Dear Future Husband,
I have no clue who you are, like, none LOL,
I'm sure you're a great guy and all... You have to be for God to have created you for me, but if I'm honest with myself
You know they say, "Old habits die hard." and while time heals all wounds, maturation has to be a purposeful and intentional point of progression. You know, to make something a habit, you have to purposefully do it for at least 28 consecutive days, so when you've carried habits from relationship to relationship over a 10 year span and then haven't been in a relationship since, where do you really get the opportunity to institute a counter-habit to change the old? You don't, really.
So I want you to know, there's work to be done and the healing process after major surgery oftentimes gets worse before it gets better. It'd be selfish and negligent of me to know my diagnosis, ignore treatment, and expect you to come in my life and be the surgeon to fix me up. That would only lead me to a state of dependence on you which would become downright messy over time. I know that God has called me to do some great things, and He's called you do great things too, so there's an expectation of wholeness so that we can unite for His glory. How can I be focused on being purposefully led by God if I'm an insecure, emotionally disabled mess?
Isn't it amazing to know that God has handpicked and handmade us for each other? It's kind of mind blowing, and since I know that God is such an intentional God with specific purposes for each and every part of creation, then I also realize that my fragile, broken state I'm currently in from neglecting surgical healing from past decisions out of His will have to be healed and put back together in order to truly fulfill the purpose that He designed for me and for us from before we were even in our mother's wombs.I was recently re-listening to 5 Keys To Identifying Your Soulmate by Toure Roberts on YouTube, and it shut me down AGAIN from my quest of searching for you prematurely. While chemistry and a connection are the first 2 keys in knowing when someone is your soulmate/purpose mate, one of the most important keys is that of WHOLENESS. He spoke about the danger of co-dependency, when people unite falsely, tied together by their brokenness, instead a genuine confirmation from God to be together. Can I be honest with you? God is showing me some "infections" deep down in my life that haven't been completely healed, and if I met you today, though it'd be nice in the beginning honeymoon phase, my unhealed problems would suffocate the relationship- I'm sure of it.
Like, I'm so impatient. I am that child who keeps peaking at dinner or whatever is in the oven every 10 seconds, trying to see if it's ready. Or the girl at the hair dresser who keeps putting her hand in her hair to feel what's going on and if the style is almost finished. I struggle with letting go and letting God. People try to make it seem like that's such an easy concept, and it's not. I recognize that God has a plan for my life, but when I don't know the plan, it's so hard to have faith and trust it to all come to fruition, particularly when the things that I want to happen ARE happening for everyone around me, except me- even for people who are or have been broken just like me. It feels like maybe God mistakenly blessed them, so I should try to "match their fly" by helping Him out. Yeah- it's crazy sounding, but I know I'm not the only one guilty of this. LOL
So one of the lessons that the Holy Spirit continuously conveys to me is that of having a dependency on God. For AT LEAST the last 4 years I've said, when I learn patience and contentment in God, He'll send my husband to me. But these are difficult lessons for me. So in this season, I'm employing all methods to become patient at waiting on God, being content in the exact place He has me in, not putting my own special touch on manipulating situations for what I presume to be "my good", and intentionally growing closer to God.
And I'm not even embarrassed to say to you that I'm a work in progress either. I think far more people struggle with this than they'd like to realize. Our society puts such a high price on marriage at a certain time period- your 20s, but it neglects to realize that everyone has different life experiences. While some people very well may be ready for marriage at 21, I think many people marry early out of pressure or because they think that person can fill the voids or heal their "heart infections". That's so risky! Maybe that was fine back before divorce rates weren't just as high marriage rates, but I just can't fathom in today's age RUSHING into a marriage, already broken, adding the pressures that come with marriage today, and being whimsical about the success of the situation. Divorce is expensive- financially, but also emotionally.
When we get married, Boo, it's 'til death do us part, so you better meet me whole, just like I plan to do with you, 'cause we aint divorcing! LOL YOU will be stuck with me.
So while I'm incredibly anxious and anticipate the thought of our union, I thank God for this season I'm in, and in the long run, you will too!
Preparing For Surgery,
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