No One is Catering to My Emotions

You get what you pray for!

Listen, the other day, I woke up SULKING, man. Like, going slap off ON A SUNDAY! (cues ILoveMakonnen) I had such a bad start of the day, and while at church, I felt like no one really cared. As I moped around, I wanted everyone to have sympathy on me and sulk with me, but to no avail, man.

Seriously- I was already teary eyed because of my situation and it was such a big deal to me, and yet not a big deal to anyone else, which made me cry even more. I was A MESS! After I sat in my feelings for a while, the Holy Spirit said this to me, "How dare you get mad at others for not sulking with you? No one is entitled to be caught up in YOUR emotions with YOU!". It stopped me right in my tracks.

What a selfish mindset? To think that just because you're having a bad day or going through a test that you may or may not have gotten your own self into anyways, someone else should sit and be miserable with you.

BACKGROUND: My pastor and choir director always play me for being late to Sunday morning choir rehearsal lol, so I made it a point to spend the night at my friend's house who lives really close to the church, so that I could get up and get to church on time. Upon arriving at her house, the only space to park was halfway in the driveway, halfway in the street. Seriously- I didn't think it was a problem. There's limited parking there, so I figured any parking enforcement would understand. I prayed over the situation and went inside. Imagine my face in the morning when I went to move my car, only to find that it had been towed away and I would STILL be late to choir rehearsal.

I was SO BLOWN! I ended up walking to choir rehearsal, 10 minutes late. My pastor shook his head as I walked in. While warming up, I pushed back tears to no avail. We took a break and my friend who sits next to me said, "Hey, is that your car I saw parked on the corner?" I cut her so deep with my eyes (see photo on the left), as I broke into tears. About 5 minutes later, my dad said, "Hey! Did you sleep in your car or something? LOL!" (see photo on the left) My flesh was fuming! I was in such distress while everyone seemed to think that it was all a big joke. Nevermind that everyone I was mad at had no idea what was going on. I was just too deep in my feelings to think rationally at all. That's how pride and selfishness will do you- have you with such a warped view that you're tricked into being mad at people who have no clue why you're even mad.

I called the towing company, hoping for some understanding and a fee waiver, to no avail. She said, "Maam, do you want to know why you're towed?" and in my head I'm like, "Does it even matter? You fun-suckers... Christmas-ruiners... Unsympathetic Scrooges!!". My parking ignorance from the night before was a $200 mistake, when my account was already struggling *cues crying like a baby*. Is anyone with me? Like, you're already struggling, on your last leg, when someone knocks you down again!?! Ugh.

I was invited to a Christmas party with close friends after church, but when I was riding to the towing company, I convinced I was not going to go because I wanted to sulk, and no one would sulk with me at a Christmas party. I was not going to come back to church for evening service either, because I just wanted to sit in my feelings in despair and frustration. I wanted everyone to run up to me, rub my back, pray with me, give me lots of attention, and be in despair with me lol. (It's only funny now. At the time, I was so serious.)

But the Holy Spirit started weighing so heavily on me. You ever feel the Holy Spirit trying to speak to you, but you're like, "NOOOOO, just let me be great and WRONG! Don't convict me to do right?" Just me? lol.

I surrendered, and felt convicted about this- How could I be a beacon of spiritual advice to those around me and the readers of this blog, by so easily being taken out by such a small trial? My trial was temporary. My car was towed due to my own negligence. The rules were so clearly posted, yet I wanted to ignore them and had the nerve to pray over it as if God should always support me in my wrong. God is not a fairy godfather or genie. God WILL NOT tolerate sin, and to ask him to condone me in my "wrongness" was, well, wrong.

Even if I hadn't parked illegally, to mope around and give up still would have been just as wrong. Before walking into church, I got my tears out, because I refused to let the devil work and get glory out of the situation by knocking me down. I don't remember my exact words, but I remember something along the lines of, "God, I'm so selfish. You've been so good to me, and I'm ready to quit and give up. You're still good. You're still great. You're still a provider." I'm learning more and more, when you are having a spiritual struggle, you gotta speak life over that situation and claim victory; encourage yourself in the Lord!

Then, the Holy Spirit brought to my mind how I've been praying for God to teach me how to be dependent solely on Him, instead of materialistic things and provisions of this world. Can I just say this is harder to put in action? My pride is having difficulty going through financial hardships and having to really trust God to provide for me, when I feel like I should financially be able to handle things. If anyone looked at my income, they would say, "Girl? Why you struggling?" and quite frankly, I would have to respond with, "I have no clue." But I'm learning to approach it from the standpoint of, I prayed for this. If I'm going to depend on God, and have my faith strengthened, there will be things that don't add up from a human perspective, and they'll only make sense in the spiritual sense.

So in all actuality, I realize now, my car needed to be towed, for me to feel the brunt of a financial strain, to be reminded that I prayed for a dependency on God, even if I wasn't prepared for what that would actually come with.

So why would I get upset with others for not being as caring about my situation when I was the one who prayed for? You get what you pray for.

No one is entitled to sit in your emotions with you. And really, why would you want someone to sulk with you? Being surrounded by sulking people will not help strengthen you or pull you out of a situation. Surround yourself with people who AREN'T going to sulk with you or put up with your selfish shenanigans. Surround yourself with people who will let you be caught up in your emotions all by yourself because they want to see you get out of a rut, rather than be stuck in it.

All of your problems are not public or group problems. Surrender to what God is doing in your life, and while you may want spiritual encouragement from others, lean on God in totality. When you want to sulk and cry, do it in the comfort of His arms because He's got the whole world in His hands. Don't look side-to-side at man for support, but look up!

Wiping Tears; Claiming Victory over My Life,

Dear God, You're so good! I can't say it enough! God, I'm so self-centered. I know it; self-centered and selfish, while You're so selfless and serving. Help me to realize that whatever I pray for, I must receive it, even when I disagree with the execution of it. It's not up to me, but up to You. Help me to cling to you at all times; particularly the uncomfortable moments of growth. God, I have such a tunnel view of my life, but You have the all encompassing bird's eye view. You know what's best for me. Help me to walk hand-in-hand with you, with my faith in You increasing more and more.

You Know Better Than I