As I walk free from the shame and guilt of almost a decade of promiscuity, you know what I've realized? My story isn't uncommon or unique, not even in Christian circles, so that's why I'll write this painfully transparent post. I can't change my past; I can only focus on the present and getting things right today, BUT if I could take what I know now and share it with my 15 year old self, here's what I'd say.
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1. Be progressing in an active relationship with God for yourself. Don't just follow rules with no belief in them for yourself.
What's unfortunate is that so many of us grow up "doing church" and "participating in church culture." We go through the motions and check off Christian checklists based on what we've seen done in our families or congregations, often because we get saved and don't realize salvation is just the beginning of the Christian life. As a teen I didn't understand Christianity is all about an actual, practical relationship with God. My teen life was an acquaintance-ship with the Lord, like, we talked at times, sometimes I checked in and read my Bible or sometimes I paid attention in church to allow myself to hear what He was saying to me. I had learned that was enough to look and sound the part of Christian, so I could still live however I wanted outside of church; compartmentalized Christianity. So I never made the connection that all the "Christian things" I saw done around me were supposed to be by-products of the devotion I had for God through relationship. Can anyone relate?
As a kid, when I was clownin' in school, my teachers knew to just threaten to call my parents, and I'd get myself together. You know why? Because of my love for my parents, my reverence for them and their authority in my life, I never wanted to get caught doing something that would embarrass them. I didn't want to have to face them and hear, "We are disappointed in you." That's how I live my life spiritually now. I don't just try to walk in sexual purity because it sounds good. It's a conscious decision I make because of my relationship with God my Father. Because of my reverence for Him and my gratitude for what He has done in my life, I think about how living based on my own selfish desires disappoints Him since I'm His child. #relationshipoverreligiousobligation
Know the why's of your beliefs because beliefs dictate your behavior.
You know what's characteristic of Millennials and Gen Z? Complete forsaking of traditions and customs if there's no understanding of them. These are not generations that will blindly follow whatever someone tells them to do for the sake of doing it, if they have no understanding. If you base your actions solely on what someone else tells you without truly understanding and committing it as your own personal belief, it won't be long until you stop doing it. (Let that be a word of advice for those in leadership and mentorship roles- we have to communicate the WHY behind what we believe and move past this "You do as I say because I told you so and you shouldn't question me." It's so detrimental in the long run and so prideful.)
You need and will WANT God's help.
Keeping myself pure, specifically sexually, is a privilege- it's a way that I show my devotion and commitment to God by not living by my own fleshly desires but being able to have self-control to use the act of sex in the way God intended it to be used. I haven't got it all the way right, and I continue to not get it right at all times which is the point. It requires reliance on Him and submission to Him. Galatians 5:22 tells us that self-control is the result of the Holy Spirit; that means I need His help to do it because in my flesh, I honestly have no restraint. How can I rely on God to help me to have self-control and live purely for Him, if I don't even talk to Him or have an active relationship with Him?
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2. Sexual purity is way more than "Save yourself for your husband."
The few times I really heard sex discussed in church, it was the oversimplified response of "we save ourselves for our husbands." Besides that being a somewhat cop-out of a response (see paragraph 2 of point 1), it's slightly problematic. At age 29*, I've talked to countless Christian women who realized that emphasis can really lead to idolizing a husband. What it translates to, for some, is "The lens through which I see my actions is through a spouse that I don't know and am not guaranteed to ever have." You can spend your teen and adult years putting so much emphasis on a spouse you're saving yourself for, instead of God, that when you finally meet them, you put pressures and burdens on them that were never intended to be placed. #needy, #clingy, #smothering. Exodus 20: 3-5 is so clear on God's desire to be the supreme focus in our life; the only God- He does not honor us idolizing something else over Him, yet sometimes in church, we unintentionally create environments for young girls that encourage them to put so much hope into a spouse who may not come for another 10 or 20 years, that they are distracted from such a precious time of just learning who they are in Christ and what God desires of them and their lives. IDK who my husband is or when he's coming, but I know God right now, in this moment; my focus and devotion is on Him, not an unknown man that I'm hoping will be coming soon to save me. The blessing of a husband and meeting him at the altar sexually pure is a blessing that's a by-product,or overflow, of my relationship with God, not the other way around.
Also, when the only thing we say about sex is "save yourself for your husband because your marriage night will be so great," we exclude the countless people who didn't wait. We don't communicate that sexual purity is a perpetual lifestyle choice. It's not a "You missed your opportunity by being 'sinful and shameful' so now you can never be pure again" type of thing. And can I just say- I've heard testimonies of people who were virgins and not living lives of purity, and lots of people who aren't virgins who are making such intentional choices to live pure for God. Virginity and pure lifestyles are not mutually exclusive-cc: Mo Isom and the book pictured above.
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3. There are far more consequences from sex than what we see physically.
What I never heard anyone really talk about was the emotional & mental impacts of sex, particularly sexual promiscuity, which is my testimony. The legitimate emotional turmoil I've had to fight through within myself, the soul ties I've accumulated that kept me in toxic relationships far longer than I'd ever imagined, the strongholds I've had to knock down because of more than a decade of destructive sexual habits; that's what no one addressed. The back and forth of hoping God will take a toxic relationship and make it work together, further devaluing myself. The "Hey Bighead" texts 3 years later. The saving of his number as "God Says No" and blocking numbers and IG accounts in hopes you'll heal from the toxic mess you're tied to, only to be soul tied so strongly that you're willing to forsake everything to be back in that situation.
Here's the thing, long after you get your tail out up of that bed, chances are you're still carrying some type of residue or emotional bondage from each and every person you sleep with. And you will have to do the work to heal or cut the soul tie from each and every person you slept with. That's why sex is meant to be had in a marital, monogamous, committed relationship with God as the head.
You see- being sexually promiscuous can seem harmless in the moment because that's what I thought. I saw girls and women on TV who were proud to be the "no strings attached" player, just like the guys, and convinced myself I could do it too. But it definitely has lasting impact that I didn't realize I signed up for. If you're like me, to others, you seemingly got away with it because you didn't get pregnant, but I'm not kidding when I say that at age 29, there are still things I have to take to God daily for help to grow and mature past, that happened when I was 17 or 20. No one talks about that. No one really talks about how promiscuity may gain you popularity in high school or college, but when you finally do want to walk into a relationship God has for you, you carry that baggage right on in. When you have constant shallow sexual relationships or one night stands with this person and the next, you're "practicing divorce or non-committed" relationships. When I finally felt like I was mature enough to handle a relationship, when things got hard, like they will, it was easy for me to say, "BYE, This is too much work," because that's what I had done my entire teenage and young adult life. Honestly, attempting to be in a committed relationship was hard because 1) I was used to moving on to someone else whenever I was bored, wanted something new, or just wanted to avoid that guy and 2) I never had clarity around what a relationship was supposed to look like past the honeymoon stage because when you're just out here living your "best life," you don't need to stay around for it to ever evolve past the honeymoon stage. These are things I'm still having to work through at age 29 because of the reckless lifestyle I chose to live for over a decade, and it's emotionally and mentally draining, at times, to unlearn all the junk I've accumulated.
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Whew. You remember in Genesis when Eve chose not to trust God's provisions, take the devil's bait, and ate the fruit, in spite of the boundary God has set up for her and Adam? Remember how BEFORE they ate the fruit, the Bible says they were "naked and unashamed?" That represented purity, joy, and contentment in who God created them to be. After they stepped out of the boundaries God had given them, their "eyes were opened," and they went to hide and cover themselves.
Participating in sex, outside of the boundaries God set for it, especially rampant promiscuity, will definitely cause your eyes to be opened in ways that you can't go back and change. Participating in sex typically isn't an isolated behavior. It typically comes with any or all of the following: talking about sex, crude and explicit conversations, seeing sexual images or videos, masturbation, hearing sexually explicit music, going to places where people dance in ways that mimic sex, etc. When you choose to participate in sex outside of the boundaries God has set for it, you will lose your innocence and blissful ignorance. If you ever commit to live sexually pure after having engaged in sex, it will require personal boundaries that others may not have to even think about. There are things at age 29 that I wish I had never been exposed to because ever so often, even when I feel I have progressed out of those shameful memories, something triggers the filth I used to engage in and sets me back in my spiritual walk at times.
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The Bible is FULL of metaphors and figurative language to help us better connect spiritual concepts to their intent and to our lives. 15 years later, as a Christian, I still read things in the Bible and say, "OH WOW! That's what that actually means. I never made that connection."
Here's the thing, sometimes we teach about sex in metaphors that teenagers really don't understand, and in attempts to not be explicit or to avoid going to deep into the conversation because we're bashful, we hope teenagers are able to draw the correct conclusion, despite our vagueness. Oftentimes, we use 1 Corinthians 6:19 as the verse for sexual purity, but it wasn't until recently that I actually heard it explained and had clarity. The verse tells us that our bodies are temples and the Holy Spirit lives in us. At age 15, I wasn't actively reading the Bible to understand it, but more importantly, I just didn't get the metaphor. I didn't understand the Old Testament meaning and purpose of a temple to connect how this was to guide my sexual purity. It's easy to "throw the whole advice away" when you don't understand it, and what I've learned about teenagers is, they'd rather be oblivious than be judged for asking a question for clarity. I wish I would have asked questions as a teenager. I wish I would have felt comfortable enough with this taboo topic and the struggles I had, to seek godly counsel from Christians who could talk and walk me through what purity meant, but instead, I learned everything I knew about sex and relationships from the other teenagers at school and from whatever media I chose to consume. That was less intimidating than asking someone in the church about sex and risking judgment. At age 29, as a young adult in the church, I want to be the person someone can be transparent and vulnerable with, in the church, for counsel that's free of judgment. That's what I needed.
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What else would I say to my 15 year old self? "Baby girl, you're valuable. You're beautiful. You have worth. Don't you realize God has plans for you, even if you can't see it right now and people don't see your value. Find security in God. Pursue Him instead of pursuing boys and men. Seek affirmation for who you are in Him, so you don't have to try to be filled by your own fleshly desires."
Y'all- this is my story, my ugly truth, but I'm so glad that Romans 8:28 affirms that God works all things for our good. As His child, He takes all the broken and shattered pieces of my life, and puts them back together so that I can reach back to others and share what I wish I knew. Someone recently told me that it's too early to talk to girls about sexual purity at ages 12-15, and I was floored. If we, as Christians who have made detrimental, ill-advised mistakes, don't do everything in our power to paint accurate pictures of God's intent for sex, countless young teenage girls and women will look to the world to figure it out. Believe me- the world is not as cautious to speak on sex and confuse our generation and the next. Let's be intentional as a community to do better when it comes to demystifying sexual purity and encouraging others to truly let their actions flow out of a holy, pure, and devoted relationship to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
Eye Opening Resources:
- BOOK- Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forget (I've read it twice and listened to audiobook SEVERAL times. SO. MANY. NUGGETS were dropped.)
- PODCAST- Dr. Tony Evans- The Kingdom Family series
- YOUTUBE- Pastor Michael Todd, Relationship Goals series
Committed to Teaching Through My Testimony,
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Dear God, Thank you for our access to You and the ability to have an active relationship with You because You sent your Son to pay the ultimate sacrifice for our redemption. I pray for each and every person reading this, whether teenager, young adult, mentor, parent, etc. Help us realize how much of an attack is on our lives when it comes to this topic. Help us understand how easily we can destroy our lives by lacking true understanding about Your intent for sex. God, if intentional purity as a way of showing our devotion to You isn't the focus, re-focus us. Help us not be caught up in rules that we don't understand, but be intentional in gaining wisdom and knowledge to let our lives be offerings to you; offerings of gratitude for all You've done in our lives. God, it can be hard at times, and that's why we have to lean in to you for self-control to not live by our own fleshly desires. Your way is perfect and right. Grow us and strengthen us to live for you. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
Encourage Yourself- Donald Lawrence
There is a King in You- Donald Lawrence
Dear Nobody- Tori Kelly
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